Learn More About Your Sexual Needs

Watch here! Part 4

Communication, boundaries, and consent are key, but it’s also important to remember that not everyone immediately knows exactly what they want. Exploring these things together and having ongoing conversations is all part of the process.

It’s OK to not know exactly what you want or are comfortable with. The key is to spend time learning about yourself, educating yourself about sex, and being open to talking about these things with your partners.

There’s no shame in saying that your sex education sucked. The reality is that many young people get very little in the way of informed, accurate information about sex and sexuality.

For many, sex ed focuses almost entirely on risk reduction, such as preventing STIs and unwanted pregnancies, while overlooking important topics such as pleasure, how to form healthy relationships, and inclusive information addressing the needs of LGBTQIA+ folks.8

Talk About Sex

When something is missing from your sex life, talking about your concerns with your partner is often the first step. It’s OK to admit that this can be daunting or even a little scary, particularly at first.

Thinking about how you’d like to approach these topics and what you’d like to say can be helpful. Some things to keep in mind:

• Your partner can’t read your mind. That’s why it’s so important to be direct about what you want and what your boundaries are.
• Ask questions. You can get the conversation rolling by asking, “What do you like?” or “Is this something you might like to try?”
• Be direct and respectful. You can give feedback and let your partner know what you like and don’t like, but it helps to be complimentary and kind when delivering feedback. You might say something like, “I’d like it if we do more of (this) and less of (that),” or “That’s not something I’m comfortable with, but I’d like to try this instead. Is that something you’d like?”

Protect Your Sexual Health 

The National Coalition for Sexual Health (NCSH) suggests that there are five action steps for good sexual health:9

• Value yourself and decide what’s right for you
• Learn about your body and take steps to protect it by practicing safe sex
• Treat your partners well and expect them to do the same for you
• Build positive, healthy romantic relationships
• Take care of your sexual health by getting contraceptive counseling, vaccines, and healthcare screenings

A healthy sexual relationship also involves taking care of yourself. Make sure you are doing thighs that support your sexual well-being, including getting those checkups and treating your body right.

Couples Therapy Can Provide Insights

Maybe your sex life is on the rocks. Or maybe it’s alright, but you feel it could be even better. In either case, couples therapy or sex therapy can be a great option.

By working with a therapist, you can explore how you relate to one another and identify potential problems that might be preventing you from feeling fully satisfied in your relationship.

Don’t Ignore Self-Help Books and Online Resources

Schubert also suggests that there are a number of helpful books and resources available that can help couples who are struggling.

“There is also a tremendous amount of material out there you can consume. My go-to recommendation for many couples is the book ‘Come As You Are,'” she suggests.

Resources you might find helpful include:

Books

• “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski, PhD
• “The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth” by Jo Langford
• “Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire” by Lori A. Brotto, PhD
• “Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship” by Stephen Snyder, MD
• “Rebel Love: Break the Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits, and Have the Best Sex of Your Life” by Chris Donoghue, PhD
• “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That With Transform Your Love Life” by Vanessa Martin, LMFT

Podcasts and Apps

• Foreplay Radio with Laurie Watson, PhD, LMFT and George Faller, LMT: Features discussions of emotional and physical intimacy along with practical tips
• Gottman Card Decks App: An intimacy-building tool from renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman
• Sex With Emily: This top-ranked podcast covers a wide variety of topics, including advice for singles and couples

Online Sex Therapy

• Talkspace: Offers online, chat-based therapy
• Modern Intimacy: Online sex therapy services from certified, culturally diverse therapists for clients in New York, Florida, Illinois, Colorado, and California
• American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT): A great resource for locating sex therapists, counselors, and educators in your state

We’ll Leave You With This

Great sex can be an important part of your well-being. No single approach is right for everyone, so you need to learn more about what’s right for you and your partners.

There’s a lot more to great sex than passion or complicated positions (although those can be great, too). A healthy sexual relationship is one that brings you closer, helps you learn more about yourself and your partner, and ultimately, feels like an adventure that fully draws you into the moment.6

So don’t be afraid to learn more about your own needs and ask for what you want in the bedroom. Just remember to ensure that communication, consent, respect, and pleasure are top priorities