What Does It Mean To Have an Anxious Attachment Style?

While people who develop secure attachments generally feel more stable and safe in relationships, people with anxious attachment styles have trouble feeling this sense of security. Those with anxious attachment may attempt to pull their partner closer and become preoccupied with the possibility of their relationship ending.1

Research suggests that about 20% of the population has anxious attachment. Knowing the signs of this type of attachment and what can trigger these feelings can help you better navigate your close relationships.2

Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style

Having an anxious attachment style can affect how you behave in a relationship, how you respond to conflict, and how you feel about yourself. A hallmark sign of an anxious attachment style is called hyperactivation, or constantly looking for signs that your partner is going to leave you. This can look like:1

• Needing frequent reassurance (e.g., asking, “Do you still love me?”)
• Obsessively looking for signs your partner is pulling away
• Viewing small problems as threats to the entire relationship
• Assuming the worst about your partner’s behaviors (e.g., assuming they haven’t texted you back because they don’t care about you, instead of considering other explanations)

Other signs you might have an anxious attachment style include:3

• Constantly worrying about your relationship
• Feeling a sense of urgency about spending time with your partner
• Having a negative view of yourself
• Not being able to solve problems without your partner
• Ruminating over worst-case scenarios
• Wanting to know what your partner is thinking or feeling at all times

While receiving reassurance or having a positive moment with a partner can offer temporary relief, these gestures are often not enough to make people with anxious attachment styles feel secure long-term.3

Ultimately, someone with an anxious attachment style has a hard time trusting their needs will be met, and this anxiety can cause them to behave in ways that seem mistrustful or “clingy.”

What Is Attachment Theory?

According to attachment theory, you develop an attachment style in childhood that is influenced by both genetic factors and the relationships you have with your caregivers. As you get older, your attachment style shapes how you navigate close relationships.4

There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Specifically, people with anxious attachment styles long to feel close to others but struggle to feel secure in their relationships and fear being abandoned by the people they love.1

Causes of an Anxious Attachment Style

When you’re a child, you rely on your caregivers for survival. This includes your biological needs (food, shelter, warmth) and emotional needs.

Infants, for example, will turn to their primary caregivers when they are in distress, such as by crying when they’re hungry or seeking comfort when they’re afraid. How reliably their needs are met in these moments shapes how they come to view themselves and others. According to attachment theory, this is how people develop a “working model” of attachment, which influences how they view relationships as adults.3

When caregivers consistently meet both the physical and emotional needs of a child and give their child a sense of security as they start to explore their surroundings, that child is more likely to develop a secure attachment style.

When a child’s needs are met inconsistently or not at all, that child is more likely to develop an insecure attachment style, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment.1

Children with anxious attachment styles may have learned they need to perform perfectly, act out, or fight to keep their caregivers close to get their needs met. While these behaviors might have helped them as children, they become unhelpful in adult relationships.

Additional factors that can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style include:564

• Childhood abuse (especially from a caretaker)
• Genetic factors, such as having a family history of anxiety
• Lack of support from adults as a child
• Life stressors that made your caregiver less available to you when you were young
• Losing a parent or another caretaker as a child
• Your caregiver’s attachment style

What Can Trigger Anxious Attachment

For someone with an anxious attachment style, their anxiety may become heightened in intimate relationships. Events that can trigger someone with an anxious attachment style include:3

• Big relationship milestones (e.g., moving in together or getting married)
• Conflict in the relationship
• Entering a new romantic relationship
• Stressful life events

While every relationship has some level of conflict, the stakes of these arguments might seem higher for someone with an anxious attachment style. Conflicts, arguments, or inconsistencies with your partner might trigger a fear of abandonment, making the person with an anxious attachment style ask for reassurance, worry about their partner leaving them, or urgently need both physical or emotional closeness to their loved one.1

Effects of a Having an Anxious Attachment Style

Studies have shown that people with anxious attachment styles tend to report the following:74

• A lower relationship satisfaction
• Less trust in their relationships
• More conflict with their partner

These effects could be a result of an anxiously attached person’s tendency to focus on negative events and assume the worst about their partner’s intentions. Hyperactivation behaviors, such as having a strong reaction to a minor conflict, can cause additional stress in the relationship.3

Outside of relationships, there are also individual mental health effects that you might experience if you have an anxious attachment. This includes being at a higher risk of developing some anxiety disorders, depression, and low self-esteem.8

How To Cope

It’s important to note that while having anxious attachment can sometimes make relationships difficult, you aren’t doomed to be unhappy in relationships. Studies show that people with anxious attachment tend to show more appreciation in their relationships and are often highly empathetic and in tune with their partner’s emotions.13

If you think your anxious attachment style is affecting your relationships, there are several things you can try to help relieve your worries and feel safer with your partner:3

• Communicate with your partner: Let your partner know what triggers your anxiety. Come up with a game plan for navigating conflict and discuss what you both need to create more security in your relationship.
• Find ways to self-regulate your emotions: Give yourself some space, listen to music, splash cold water on your face, practice deep breathing techniques, or go on a walk.
• Nourish your life outside of your relationship: Maintain your non-romantic relationships, engage in activities you enjoy without your partner, seek support from friends, and spend time with your family.
• Understand your anxiety: Acknowledging your attachment style and how it’s related to your childhood experiences can help reduce self-blame. When anxiety about your relationship creeps in, remind yourself that this may be an old wound resurfacing. Try to stay mindful of your triggers and practice checking the facts before you react.

Fixing an Anxious Attachment Style

Your attachment style can change over time. People with anxious attachment may begin to feel safer with a committed and secure partner after several years. It’s possible that the effects of anxious attachment can become less invasive in long-term relationships.

Healthy relationships that include clear communication and mutual respect can shift your working model of attachment, giving you new experiences that contradict what you learned as a child.1

Additionally, mental health treatment can help support recovery from an anxious attachment style, whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. The following mental health therapies have shown evidence of helping people develop more secure attachment styles:98

• Cognitive behavioral therapy: A behavioral therapy that focuses on the relationship between your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and challenges negative thought patterns and feelings to help improve overall well-being
• Couples therapy: Offers support for couples in committed relationships to help understand specific triggers, work through interpersonal conflicts, and develop coping strategies
• Interpersonal psychotherapy: A type of talk therapy that focuses on improving relationships by working on difficult reactions, thought patterns, and behaviors that occurred in current or past relationships
• Psychodynamic therapy: A talk-based therapy that explores the unconscious forces and childhood experiences that affect your emotions and behaviors

How To Help Your Anxiously Attached Partner

If you have a partner who has anxious attachment, it might be difficult to know how to best support them while also maintaining your autonomy in the relationship. In addition to seeking support, here are some ways to support a partner with anxious attachment:3

• Identify your attachment style: Learn how your attachment style is showing up in the relationship. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be sensitive to your partner’s need for closeness and have a harder time meeting them halfway.
• Offer consistency and connection: Establish routines to help you and your partner connect in ways that feel meaningful to both of you. Have a designated date night, share a cup of coffee before work, or text each other before bed. While connecting consistently won’t necessarily change your partner’s attachment style, it can create a stable foundation where healing can happen for them.
• Practice clear and effective communication: For instance, if you can’t text your partner during the work day, communicate that with them. Avoid being vague about your boundaries to prevent the possibility of miscommunication and opportunities for your partner to assume the worst about the relationship.

A Quick Review

People with anxious attachment styles struggle to feel secure in their relationships. While they long to feel close to their partners, this need is often driven by fears of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. Your attachment style develops in childhood but can affect intimate relationships as you get older. If you’re anxiously attached, you may feel the need to ask for constant reassurance, overanalyze your partner’s behaviors, or have big reactions to small conflicts.

While anxious attachment can sometimes negatively affect your relationships, more secure attachment can develop over time. Finding a committed partner, learning how to communicate your triggers, and seeking mental health therapy are all ways to increase safety in your relationships, develop a more secure attachment style, and boost your self-esteem.