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So what do the experts recommend if you’re struggling to communicate your sexual needs to your partner?
“I always ask the couples I see in my office to set a time to discuss their relationship–for example, Sunday evenings,” Schubert explains. “In these ‘meetings,’ they can bring up any concerns, thoughts, or feelings they had from the previous week.
Schubert also notes that communication often breaks down when couples become so busy with the stresses of daily life, including the demands of juggling work and family.
When people get busy, sometimes communication can suffer. Make these discussions intentional and give them time.
To foster an open dialogue about sex, it can be helpful to create a safe space to talk about desires and concerns.
Strategies for intentional conversations
- Help your partners express their thoughts by being open to such conversations.
- Initiate these types of conversations by sharing your own feelings.
- Practice active listening by focusing on your partner, reflecting on what they’ve said, and asking open-ended questions.
- Use “I statements” to express your thoughts and feelings without causing the other person to feel defensive
The Role of Mutual Consent
We hear about it a lot, but mutual consent really is the foundation on which a healthy sexual relationship is built. Consent is a fundamental aspect of a healthy sexual relationship. It helps to ensure that actions are agreed upon beforehand and are welcomed by each person involved.
Consent is the golden rule in the bedroom (or anywhere else you might get intimate). It’s all about both of you agreeing on what is happening and respecting each other’s wishes, desires, and boundaries.
The thing to remember is that mutual consent isn’t just about saying “yes,” “no,” or “maybe”—although those things are important, too. Consent is about both partners being on the same page, communicating what is happening, and getting approval before, during, and even after.
Understanding and Establishing Mutual Consent
Mutual consent is not a one-time discussion. It is an ongoing conversation between sexual partners. It should be enthusiastic, but each person should be aware that feelings can change and that consent can be withdrawn at any time.
In any intimate encounter, prioritize explicit verbal consent. Consent can be fun or sexy. For example, you might check for consent with phrases like:
- “Do you like it when I…?”
- “Tell me what you like…”
- “Is it OK if I…?”
- “I’d like to try […]; how does that sound to you?”
Incorporating these kinds of phrases into your talk during sex can be inviting and arousing! Verbal approval is essential when giving consent, but you can also back it up with non-verbal touches or gestures. And if you are concerned you might miss a signal, talk to your partner about having a safe word.1
Your voice matters in your relationship, including in the bedroom. It doesn’t matter your gender, orientation, or who you are with—no person has the right to make you feel pressured or coerced.
Just because you or your partner have said “yes” to something in the past doesn’t mean that it’s an automatic yes today! Mutual consent requires that you keep checking in with one another to ensure you are comfortable and that what is happening is happily welcomed.
You Have to Have Respect
Respect is vital to create a healthy sexual relationship founded on trust and intimacy. Showing respect involves showing one another consideration and kindness. It also means honoring one another’s boundaries.
Knowing that your partner respects and values you is empowering. It allows you to be your most authentic self more comfortably. When we feel respected, we can be open about what we want without feeling like our partner will reject us.
Respect is also a cornerstone of emotional intimacy. Having your partner’s respect and care creates a space where you can be vulnerable and intimate with them. This deepens the intimacy and trust that you share.
How to Maintain Respect in a Relationship
You can show respect by listening and valuing your partner. Pay attention to their needs and desires. Be aware of their limits and boundaries, and don’t try to push your partner to do things they feel uncomfortable with.
For example, if your partner wants to try a certain sexual activity you are uncomfortable with, they should respect that boundary. It’s OK for them to ask you to consider it more or talk about why you aren’t interested, but ultimately, they shouldn’t pressure you into things you don’t want to try.
Respect involves treating your partner as an equal without stereotyping or objectifying them.
It also means that neither of you should be made to feel guilty for turning down sex. You should need to come up with excuses–like having a headache or being too tired. If you’re not in the mood, then you’re not in the mood. Nothing more needs to be said.
And Let’s Not Forget the Importance of Pleasure
Communication, consent, and respect should all work toward supporting a central component of a healthy sexual relationship: pleasure. This doesn’t just mean physical satisfaction. Emotional satisfaction is also a pillar of a fulfilling sexual connection.
According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, pleasurable sex can benefit your physical and emotional health.2 Sex is also linked to stronger immunity, lower blood pressure, increased pain relief, lower stress levels, decreased anxiety and depression, and better self-esteem.3
And the reality is that the more pleasurable sex is, the more likely you are to engage in regular, health-boosting intimacy. Fortunately, there are many ways to make sex more pleasurable and overcome sexual concerns that might hold you back from fully enjoying your time together.
Ways to Enhance Pleasure
Because pleasure is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship, enhancing this aspect of your partnership can be a great way to improve satisfaction and bring you closer. Strategies that can help in this regard include:
Exploring New Experiences
Trying new things in the bedroom can reignite your curiosity and passion, even if you’ve been together for a while. A vibrant sex life involves keeping these fresh and finding ways to bring new energy to your intimate life. Exploring together can also be a great way to learn how to better respect and appreciate your own body in new and different ways.
Try talking about things you might like to try, but be sure to respect each other’s boundaries. If you try something that doesn’t feel right, it’s OK to change your mind and stop.
Engaging in Foreplay
Sometimes, anticipation is just as pleasurable as the activity itself. Foreplay is crucial to any good sexual relationship. It not only increases the excitement you both feel, but it can also be a way to enhance the emotional intimacy you feel through touching, kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies.4
It’s also a great way to learn more about what you and your partner enjoy. As you get to know one another’s bodies, you can figure out what works and what makes you feel good. Foreplay is also a fun way to spice things up depending on the mood–you can go slow or move things along more quickly depending on how you feel.
Foreplay can be a build-up to the main event, or it can be the main event itself! Sex doesn’t mean penetration, and research has found that most people assigned female at birth don’t achieve orgasm from penetration alone.5 Expanding your definitions of what counts as sex can help you explore other ideas for finding pleasure in a healthy sexual relationship.
Prioritizing Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy is about more than sex. It is about feeling close and connected to someone. Sexual intimacy is one type, but emotional intimacy is just as important, and in many cases, the two are deeply connected.
When you feel an emotional connection with your partner, you’re often able to feel more sexually intimate with them.
Feeling good during sex is about more than the main event. Being emotionally intimate allows you to overcome any inhibitions you have and fully embrace what you are feeling in the moment. And research has shown that being present is one of the key elements of satisfying sex.6
The safety and trust this intimacy fosters also allow you to better connect with the desires and sensations more profoundly. You feel emotionally in tune with your partner so you are more aware of each other’s joy and pleasure.
If your sex life is feeling a little lackluster, it’s worth it to spend time rekindling this emotional intimacy. You can foster this intimacy both in and out of the bedroom by talking, spending time together, showing affection, and being trustworthy.
And in case you need more convincing–the link between intimacy and sexual satisfaction is backed up by science. Studies have found that expressions of intimacy help people feel more secure in the relationship and more responsive to sex. In other words–greater intimacy leads to more frequent and more rewarding sex.7
Everyone has different intimacy needs. Just because you are satisfied with the emotional or sexual intimacy in your relationship, it doesn’t mean that your partner is. Like other areas of your relationship, communication and boundaries are key. So talk about what you both need and what you can give and accept in your relationship.